At 62…Slack tide

On the island, Mike always watched for slack tide to go fishing. It’s a term I was unfamiliar with, and it basically means a stasis. Tide isn’t coming in, tide isn’t going out. The water is simply still.

That’s been me over the past few months. The pandemic. The hip replacement. The emergency retinal surgery. The complications from same. Relearning to walk and get energy back after three months of forced inactivity. Lots of stasis going on in terms of general life.

Mike was the Energizer Bunny. Even through chemo, he rarely stopped doing something. I’ve always had the same energy – until now – and I want it back. I’m going to have to fight a little harder for it, but I’m determined it’s coming.

There’s a new Jimmy Buffett song (isn’t there always?!) called “Slack Tide”. I’ve played it over and over as I’ve been driving the highways the last two days. One of the lines says “things don’t just happen, they happen for a reason”. First time I heard the song, I burst into tears.

That’s what Mike always said about us. He said he didn’t “pick” me – that it was much bigger than that. He felt that we were part of a cosmic circle, that we had been planned all along by a Power much greater than ourselves. We both felt God had put us in each other’s lives at exactly the right time. We just didn’t understand why there wasn’t a lifetime more of it.

Being in stasis has surprisingly shown me another go-round to my grief. It was quite unexpected. This is the part that hits after the first shock. After the first year is done. After the second year is done, and you’re starting to feel like yourself again around the edges. That’s when contemplation and that extra round of grief sets in.

This grief is different. It’s a regretful, cautious, optimistic, sad, missing-you feeling. How do I pick up my world and live the rest of my life without you? How do I start over yet one more time? What are the things that will make me happy on my own?

In other words, what will the rest of my life look like? Failing a crystal ball, I can’t answer with certainty. But I can answer with ideas.

Business – rebuilding my consulting business. Branching out into other areas. Learning new skills. Getting the garage sorted and setting up a booth in one of the local markets. Selling on eBay. Starting a couple of new projects in totally different areas.

Friends – traveling to see them, as my mobility improves. Lunching and getting together. Finding friends to fish with, to boat with, to get outside with. Making new friends here. Enjoying my adopted “grandkids”. Discovering places and spaces I still want to see in this world.

Making the most of Catlin’s time with me – and building a relationship as adults.

Returning to my jewelry. Building the websites out. Finding shows to do again.

As Mike used to say, there are three projects everywhere I look! Ideas are good. But only action brings them to life.

Slack tide is ending. It’s good for boats, it’s good for fishing, and it’s been good for me in some ways. But it’s not a place to stay. It’s time to feel the push and pull of the tide of life again. If I stay here much longer, I’m afraid the comfort and sameness of it will be too much to overcome. It’s like dragging myself out of a pit of taffy.

Time to remember – Things don’t just happen. They happen for a reason. I’m going to again find all the reasons and joy for life I once had – and wrap them in the laughter and exuberance that Mike brought to me as I get on with the next chapter…at 62 – and beyond.